Bloody Noses Broken Hearts

It’s a beautiful spring afternoon. The sun is shining, the birds are singing. It’s a perfect day to be with your loved one, frolicking through a meadow, picking wildfl owers, and eating baguettes on a plaid blanket. Instead, you’re the third of your fi ve fi ve-minute sparring rounds. This, of course, is after your hour-long conditioning session.

In the meantime, your girlfriend sits at home, thinking about how her friends are all out with their boyfriends, and how she turned down dating Todd from accounting last summer. She’s stuck alone and you’re cheating on her with ten sweaty dudes.

She depends on you to be her rock. But your teammates count on you for support, for guidance, and to be there when they need you. It’s tough to fi gure out who you would rather have mad at you, because the wrath of one girl could easily surpass that of ten trained mixed martial artists.

In the sport of MMA, it’s almost as if your girlfriend is your mistress. Your main squeeze, training, takes up your morning, your afternoon, and your evenings. And you can’t let your coach know the reason you were late was that you were at a matinee of Sex and the City. Heaven forbid you’re tired because you were up the whole night before discussing which wallpaper would look best in the guest bathroom. It’s the guest bathroom! They should just be happy you let them spend the night in the fi rst place!

I spoke with a couple professional fi ghters to get their insight on this subject, and to see how they handle the pressure of keeping their training at an A level while making sure their girlfriends stay happy. Because if there is one thing I’ve learned in my 27 beautiful years on this planet, it’s that if your girl ain’t happy, you ain’t happy. She’ll make sure of it.

Now, let me assure you that this is not an “anti-girl” article. Far from it. I love women…I LOVE women. Heck, go on my MySpace. I try not to add anyone except hot chicks. If that doesn’t prove my adoration for the females, what does? This is just a way for guys to get a sneak peak at what they may have to look forward to. Like a cheat sheet, but smudged with pizza grease. It doesn’t have all the answers, but at least you’ll get a general idea.


Mayhem is a UFC, WEC, DREAM, and ICON veteran, just to name a few. He is also a veteran with the ladies. Why? I don’t know either. Maybe it’s the beyond-pale skin. Or the horrendous ears that no longer fi t iPod headphones. Might even just be the fact that he wears a scarf. One thing is for certain, whatever it is, it’s working for him. I caught up with Jason at, where else, a Starbucks. Sure, it was 8 pm, but why should that stop him from having a coffee? Sleep is for suckers.

On the type of girl to look for: “The type of chick you have to get involved with is one that is not going to stir up drama. Because if she does, it’s going to interfere with your training. In reality, it all comes down to the guy being able to block that out of his mind. The fi ghter is a retard for picking that chick in the fi rst place! How do you know which girl is the most prone to start drama? You don’t. I realize that this was very useless information.”

On setting ground rules: “When I fi rst meet a girl, I normally explain to her how it’s going to be and what she can expect. When I’m training for a fi ght, my whole life is consumed with training for that fi ght. It’s kind of like if you’re a chick who has a kid. You can’t just dump that on a guy, he’s gonna run away. You gotta let them know what they’re in for beforehand.”

On the advice he got as a young fi ghter: “This is the advice that I got from a pro boxer named “Boo Boo” when I was seventeen years old. I was getting ready for my fi rst MMA fi ght. He looked at me with his big smiling gold teeth, and he said, ‘Listen here Jason, stay away from bitches.’ And I’ve taken that advice, all the way to this day. I swear to God he said that! He had his gold fronts and everything. That’s all he said! Now, before everyone gets all mad, he wasn’t saying that all women were bitches. Heck, girls don’t wanna be around bitches either, they’ll tell ya! Just stay away from the ones that are. But you know, now that I think about it, he either said that, or, ‘Don’t do drugs.’ You see, Boo Boo wasn’t all there. I think he was 0-6 in his last six professional fi ghts, all by knockout. But he was a good guy!”


Unlike Mayhem, Tiki doesn’t have a nickname. I guess technically, his real name is his nickname. I don’t really know how that works. But what I can tell you is that Tiki has a kickass gym (HB Ultimate), drives a nice car, has been on TV, and lives in Huntington Beach. If that’s not a recipe for stories about chicks, I don’t know what is. The man was on Blind Date! In cargo jean shorts! Nothing says “I mean business” like denim that stops at the knees. I’m serious, I Googled it.

Advice he’d give young guys just getting into the sport: “It’s called, ’Don’t have a girlfriend.’ The only girls you can trust are your sister and your mother. The best thing you can tell girls is that you’re actually married to your job, and there’s nothing that can come between you and your job. Don’t date strippers. Don’t kiss them. Don’t look directly into their eyes. They’re like Medusa. They’ll take all your money and turn you to stone.”

On what girls will tell you when they meet you: “Most girls will all tell you the same thing. ‘Oh, I am so attracted to you because you’re so focused on your goal and you’re so focused and just so driven, and this is what you want to do.’ And they’ll all be down for that. Then, out of nowhere, they turn around and counter your move and put you in checkmate. ‘You know, all you think about is yourself!’ And of course, every girl you date wants to open up their own boutique and revolutionize the clothing industry (Don’t date strippers).”

On a bad experience he had: “A couple of times I’ve made the grave mistake of bringing a girlfriend to a fi ght. (Again, it helps to not date a stripper). One of them tore the room apart at MGM and would not let me go to sleep. It was the night before the fi ght! She couldn’t handle that she wasn’t getting attention. That whole week was about me. And why wouldn’t it be, I’m fi ghting! I’ve had girls be jealous of other girls giving me attention. But, I’ve also had girls mad at me for spending too much time in the mirror.”

On the most important thing he’s learned: “If a chick has a nice purse, but doesn’t have a job…STAY AWAY FROM HER.”

So there you have it. It may not be the best advice, but it’s their advice. They’re out there everyday in the battlefi eld that is love (Pat Benatar said it, not me). However, before you treat this like gospel, just remember…they choose to get hit in the head for a living. That should tell you something. What it all comes down to is, when you meet the right girl, you’ll just know. Relationships are all about give and take. You give her gifts, she takes them. I’m kidding!

A balance is needed in order to make a relationship work. Sometimes the focus will be on you, and other times the focus will be on her (Okay, most of the time). In the end, all that matters is that she has a hot sister… and you give her my card.

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