I love the whole patriotic theme The Ultimate Fighter has taken. Love it! Who doesn’t like going down the road of the Revolutionary War one more time? This season, TUF gives us the chance to do it all over again, 1776 style, baby! But with this latest hook of nation vs. nation, I started to brainstorm for other ideas for Dana White and Spike as they continue to steamroll into the future. After wasting about three brain cells, a great idea came to me.
The Ultimate Fighter: The Celeb Files. We’ll take celebrities who we know are volatile or have had some sort of experience with body on body contact or violence, or who we just want to see get choked the #%$@ out and put them in a house to fi ght it out. It’s like two shows in one: The Ultimate Fighter meets The Surreal Life.
Let’s introduce you to our cast members:
Ron Jeremy — He’d probably win a few fi ghts via forfeit. What dude in his right mind would want the Hedgehog sweating all over him? Plus, DVD’s of the post-fi ght parties could probably be sold for a pretty penny.
Lindsay Lohan — We know she can cut to any weight class. She’s like the anti-Gabe Ruediger. Plus, when she’s in the TUF house, she’ll have some terrifi c paparazzi stories for the rest of the house.
Russell Crowe — Isn’t allowed to throw telephones at people. If you take away this advantage, he may struggle in the cage.
Jose Canseco — Well, we’d probably have to scratch him because he couldn’t pass a drug test. Judging by his quick loss to Vai Sikahema in a celeb boxing match last year, he can’t fi ght either. Too bad, because juiceheads like Canseco are bleeders and that always makes for good TV.
Jared from Subway –because I can.
Chris Brown — I’d look forward to him getting in the cage because if I know Dana White, he’d make sure the cowardly Brown would get the living snot beat out of him. In fact, I could see White bringing in a few special coaches such as Anderson Silva, Brock Lesnar and maybe a little Rampage to…ahem…work over, er…um…uh…I mean “work“ with Brown. Ah yes, celebrity justice–TUF style.
Jean-Claude Van Damme — He can try to catapult a career of playing the tough guy, a career that derailed after Chuck Zito decked him one night in NYC.
Tonya Harding — Saw her on HBO’s Real Sports recently making a buck off her infamous name. She’d be a diffi cult test in the heavyweight division. Would probably turn out to be the Junie Browning of the house.
Kevin James — I’m throwing him in here out of respect, considering he truly does try to get in there and mix it up in real life and has been a staple at UFC’s for eons. Bear Grylls– He can help the other castmates cut weight because they’ll probably puke every time they see the crap this guy eats. Can also teach the rest of the house how to use furniture and utensils for things other than throwing through walls and windows.
Star Jones — Seriously, do I really need to explain myself with this one?
Andy Dick — Because he’s pretty much the epitome of a guy the entire country would relish the chance to smash. Heck, I think I’d actually root for Harding over him. I may root for Star Jones over him. Maybe we can have a special guest competitor for one night in Omarosa. Damn, it would be great if it could end in a Gray Maynard-Rob Emerson way where both get KO’d. Loser is forced into exile. Wouldn’t that be nice?
Sylvester Stallone — I am 100 percent sure he has something left in the tank. Did you see how he completely toyed with Antonio Tarver in his last fi ght? Wait a minute…huh? What do you me–? Wha? He’s not a real boxer? There’s no way that wasn’t him actually fi ghting Apollo Creed, Clubber Lange and the big Russian guy from The Punisher. I saw it with my own eyes like 94 times. He’s one of the best boxers ever! That’s like saying Santa Claus doesn’t exist or pro wrestling is fake. Blasphemy.
Flavor Flav — We need somebody who can outdo Crazy Horse Bennett in the post-fi ght interviews. Just think about the great TV he can provide. Then, in the ensuing UFC, White can match up Flav and Stallone, winner take all for what’s left of Bridgette Nielson.
Dennis Rodman — Even with our cast, he’s still the freak of the house. Although he’ll probably drink more in one season than every season of TUF combined.
Alex Rodriguez — Damn, there’s that pesky steroid test again.
b>Simon Cowell — He can piss off everyone at practice by declaring how sloppy everyone’s arm bars are and how the other fi ghters’ styles are just so cliché. I personally like the guy, but how many people in America wouldn’t pay to see my man get a Matt Hamill-to-Mark Munoz type of high kick to the orbital bone? Again, I’m a fan of the guy because I appreciate straight shooters and he’ll defi nitely spike our ratings.
Come on Dana, I’ve got something here. You know I’m onto something. Who needs Bisping and Henderson when we have Andy Dick and Star Jones? Come on, Dana! I’m an idea guy!