Heavyweight Hero

The UFC needs a new heavyweight hero. The void left by the sudden, shocking departure of Randy Couture screams for attention. Forget it hurting the UFC, heck, it hurts the world of MMA. For the predominant fight organization on this planet to lose the heavyweight king is like Jiffy losing its Lube, Bud losing its Weiser, or Mickey D’s losing their damn clown.

Luckily, we’re here to brainstorm options for the UFC. They lost their Captain America, so we’re going to scour every nook and corner of this great nation’s world of sports to find a new hero.

It’s got to be a man who is already a sports star, but obviously this sport is not for everybody. So, in an attempt to ease the pain of UFC and MMA fans everywhere, let’s delve deep into sports to find a man who can step in, put Dana White’s crew on his back, and continue the sport’s dominance. But before we call Dana, let’s look at our options of men to right the ship.

Homerun king Barry Bonds – If the mandatory drug testing wasn’t so strict, I’d tell Dana to throw some cash at him. But, who are we kidding? There isn’t a Whizzinator in the world that will allow him to dupe the California State Athletic Commission to collect his purse.

Rocket’s center Yao Ming – Could probably get a triangle choke from across the Octagon. As long as his sternum doesn’t cave in from the first punch or knee, think of how sick his Jui-Jitsu would be once it hit the ground. Plus, who’s going to reach his head for strikes? Then again, Manute Bol wasn’t exactly Ali in his celebrity boxing match a few years back, and Jabbar was lucky he was fighting a 135-pound Bruce Lee.

Like the idea, but something tells me a limb or two may snap.

Pats star QB and current cover boy Tom Brady – Well, on the plus side, he can get head coach Bill Belichick to secretly video tape Big Nog’s, Tim Sylvia’s and Brandon Vera’s workouts. But in the end, I’m not so sure Brady is the type of guy who’d like getting punched in the eye socket. Then again, chicks love fighters.

Ex-NFLer Johnnie Morton – Oops, sorry.

Shaq – Already trains in our fine sport. Love the attitude. Wait, wait, we’ve got a problem. Actually, we’ve got a “hefty” problem. Who’s going to tell him he has to cut fifty pounds? Who’s going to hold the sauna door shut to make sure the final twelve come off? Somehow, I don’t see Shaq dropping down to 265 any time soon.

This chore is harder than it looks, huh? But we can’t give up. We’ve got to find a man for Joe Silva to pit against Heath Herring.

Cowboys star Terrell Owens – Certainly has the physique for it, and he’s a tough SOB. He had a great fight with former teammate Hugh Douglas by the Eagles’ hot tub two years ago. The only problem is, before swinging away , T.O. actually ran to his locker to put on his sneakers for better traction to throw punches. That would be a problem in the octagon. Sneakers aren’t the brightest things to wear in there. Shoot, a guy like Frank Mir would drop down and easily heel hook him in a cool thirty seconds or so. Plus, he’d probably have a hard time finding a coach he wouldn’t fight with, although his post-fight celebrations would be great.

Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens – Hey, this isn’t a bad idea. Works his tail off. Outworks all those younger guys, and is as focused a competitor as we’ve ever seen. He’s a big dude, hits the weights hard, and can probably sling that right hand with tremendous force. The problem is of course age, and I can’t see Dana White agreeing to pay him $28 million prorated per fight.

Basketball star Kobe Bryant – An Octagon doesn’t have the same parameters as a hotel room, so he’d probably have problems in cramped quarters. Ouch, that was such a sucker punch on my end, but hey, the opportunity was there.

Suspended NFLer Adam Pacman Jones – Has all the time in the world, now that the NFL has kicked him out for a while. Already has experience in a cage of sorts; not just county jail, but also in the TNA cage. Let’s face it though, do we really believe there would be a single rule he would follow? Not a shot. Plus, he can’t “make it rain” in the ring with Dana White’s money. I would, however, love to see someone choke this young man out.

Yankees star Alex Rodriguez – As long as he doesn’t fi ght in the IFL where there are playoffs, he’d be OK.

Michael Vick – May have too much dog in him.

Bosox Slugger Big Papi – Not a bad idea kids, not a bad one at all. He’d have to start a conditioning program though.. I mean, a heck of a conditioning program.

Geesh, I’m really struggling here for an answer.

You know what? This is ridiculous. Anybody have Brock Lesnar’s phone number?

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