Remember when Saturday morning cartoons didn’t suck? The potent combination of sugary cereal and violent, seizure inducing cartoons was enough to have every kid bouncing off the walls at 7 a.m. Now, kids are stuck with Doodle bops Rockin’ Road Show and Aqua Kids. How are children supposed to learn violence and evil when cartoon characters are solving problems through music and working to save the world’s oceans?
The days of the tough-guy cartoon characters are over. But don’t worry, here are five characters from the days of yore that would beat the doodle bop out of the Aqua Kids.
5. BEAST MAN
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
Beast Man was the savage underling of Skeletor, He-Man’s arch nemesis. Although the whip-wielding Beast Man is mostly unsuccessful in his attempts to destroy He-Man and capture the secrets of Castle Gray skull, I think everyone can agree that he was the toughest henchman and would whip—both literally and figuratively—Mer-Man’s ass.
4. HEFTY SMURF
The Smurfs
Hefty was the enforcer of the Smurf village, using physical intimidation and Smurfy strength to establish his dominance and help thwart Gargamel. He can often be seen sporting a heart-and-arrow tattoo on his ripped bicep as he lifts weights to impress Smurfette. And, all that brawn is put to good use, as he kicks Brainy out of the village and onto his head at the conclusion of many episodes.
3. ANIMAL
Muppet Babies
Known for his violent outbursts and incoherent babble, Animal often had to be chained to his drum set to keep him from spazzing out on other nursery dwellers. If it weren’t for the passive coddling of Nanny and perhaps some ADD medication from baby-genius Bunson, Animal would have killed and eaten the rest of the Muppet Babies. Animal go bye-bye.
2. PANTHRO
ThunderCats
Although Lion-o gets more fanfare (probably for that flowing red mane), Panthro is actually the toughest of the Thunder-Cats. Known for his physical prowess and keen martial arts skills, Panthro is the most talented fighter in the group. Panthro also has the fiercest temper, even if he is afraid of bats and spiders. Those things are scary. Thunder-Cats ho!
1. SPLINTER
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Master Splinter is the ninjitsu-knowing, rat sensei of the TMNTs. He was once a human, but got oozed and mutated into a rat. While that would be a bummer for most folks, Splinter takes it all in stride, living in the NYC sewers and raising weapon wielding turtles. Splinter earns mad street cred for his abilities as both a teacher and formidable fighter, who constantly defeats Shredder and the Foot Clan with his martial art know how.
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