The Dude Abides

I felt compelled to address manliness in today’s society, or the lack thereof. If you take a hard look around, you’ll notice that testicles have gone the way of the appendix. That’s right, the vast majority of men have essentially become eunuchs. What are the signs? Well, the fact that tattoos and tanning beds have replaced the old-fashioned work books and callused hands as indicators of manliness is a good start. Even professional fighters, who are supposed to be ultra manly, have gone soft. After all, it’s kind of hard to be areal man when you play more video games than 12-year-old boys in China.


I am not saying that fighters are not tough, because many of them are very tough. But there is a difference between being tough and being manly. You can be tough as hell, own a pit bull, ride a motorcycle, and still not be manly. If you want to be a real man—at the very least—you must learn how to fix shit, and I am not talking about your cable. Every guy, both manly and unmanly, knows how to rig his cable box. I’m talking about big shit. Today, most fighters don’t have a clue how to fix their plumbing or heat and air—they don’t have the slightest clue what Freon is or what it does.


How did this happen? Well, a lot of it had to do with the digital age. Due to all the technological advances, men have forgotten how to hunt women. Instead of chasing women in bars, they pick them up on the Internet, send text messages, and when all their electronic attempts to get laid fail, look at Internet porn. The day the great chase became digital, the lion inside of men died. I know what you are thinking: “Forrest, I still hunt women, it is just a different kind of hunt.” No, you are wrong. Typing into a search engine is not hunting, and I don’t care if you spend two hours a day on the MILF Hunter website. We have been coddled by technology, and as a result, we have lost the manliness that our fathers earned at a young age.


Men have gotten lazy, plain and simple. Blue-collar workers have always been a little lackadaisical, but now even construction workers have gone soft. Sure, they might be able to lay tile, but they don’t know how to lay brick. Sure, they might be able to construct a wall, but they don’t know how to fix a water heater. Back in the day, the men who worked with their hands knew how to do everything.


If you fall into this sackless category, don’t beat yourself up too badly—you’re not alone. I do not work on my car or fix shit after I break it. I am not out there doing ultra-manly things, like vandalism. Just like you, I seek out help when something goes wrong. Most guys call their fathers when shit suddenly stops working, but not having one of them, I call my mother. Yes, my mother is manlier than me. Back when I was a kid, she did all the traditional guy stuff. She went out and worked all day, and then came home and repaired anything that had broken around the house during her absence. With that shit all taken care of, I assumed the traditional women’s roll. In other words, I cooked and cleaned. I probably should have learned how to do all the hard stuff when I struck out on my own, but there was no need to tinker in front of the water heater for19 hours, trying to figure out the gismos inside. If my mom couldn’t give me step-by-step instructions over the phone, I could find the answers on the Internet. And if those answers were too complicated, I could use the Internet to find someone to interpret those instructions or simply come out and do the repairs himself.


However, technology is not entirely to blame. There are two other factors contributing to our lack of manliness—the hormones in our meats and women.Yes, I said it, women are to blame for the downward spiral of man, but it is not as you might think. Becoming more independent, women have stopped wanting as many kids, and so a larger percentage of our female population have been taking birth control pills, which are chalked full of estrogen. Well, that estrogen doesn’t just disappear. With every flush, it gets put back into our water supply, which in turn finds its way into every man on the planet. Did you know that when it rains, you are actually being doused with estrogen? I know this might seem like a cheap way out, but all that womanly DNA (I know estrogen is probably not DNA, but not having the slightest clue what it actually is, that is what I have decided to call it) has got to be having some negative side effects, am I right?


I know the lack of manliness in our society might not seem like that much of a problem now, but it is getting worse every year, and we have to think about the next generations. When all fathers are just as dumb as their kids, nothing will ever get accomplished. I mean, when fathers come home from an eight-hour workday and start playing video games and surfing on the computer instead of fixing the washing machine, the entire foundation our society is built upon will begin to crumble.


If you are as worried as me and want to attempt to fix the problem, do not run out and try to sleep with 50 women. Again, manliness is not about the number of women you can bed. If you truly want to become manly for the sake of the next generation, you should start by going out and getting a manly job. What is a manly job? Well, any type of work that endangers your health is a good place to start.


The manliest job I ever had was working on a road crew. We would uncover these massive septic tanks, and being the new guy, I would have to go down in there to remove any of the debris that had fallen into it. So I would head down into the shit-pit in a pair of boots and waders, shovel rocks and raw sewage into a metal bucket, and then someone up top would pull the bucket up. Of course, rocks and human feces would fall out of the bucket and rain on my head, which was the part that made the job manly. The first time I crawled out of the pit, a fellow worker named off 30diseases I could contract from this type of work, the most permanent one being hepatitis. So yeah, I kinda of have a hint of what it is like to be a real man.


If you get a dangerous job and still feel somewhat unmanly, I have included a list of things you can do to make your balls drop further.


Marry a destitute woman that has a lot of children you have to take care of. (Fig. A)


Anything wilderness oriented—hunting, fishing, wildernessing. But I don’t want to see you out there looking at your phone or GPS system. Get a compass, camp, and learn how to navigate by the stars.


Learn how to fix your vehicle. This is perhaps the most frustrating thing on earth, which in turn will add large amounts of manliness points. Personally, I learned how to fix a car in the most manly situation possible—on the side of a active freeway, with semis damn near killing me.


Grow a beard. If you are like me and your Irish curse prevents you from growing a beard, get some wicked back hair. (Fig. B)


Wear boots … for a purpose. If you wear steal-toed boots, you better get a job where heavy shit frequently falls on your feet.


Eat meat you killed and cooked yourself. Don’t be a douche by shooting a deer and bringing it to a processing plant. Clean that shit yourself.


Get a gun. However, if you get a gun and don’t learn how to use it, you lose manliness points. (Fig. C)


Wear slippers around the house and possibly even a smoking jacket. I know, it doesn’t seem too manly, but it is.


Wake up early. I’m talking before 5a.m. (Fig. D)


Milk things.


Sports are relatively manly. I mean, the little bit of manliness I have, I learned from football coaches.


Now, I know a lot of you are probably pretty disturbed right now an
d want to correct your lack of manliness. Some of you will take my advice above, but others will undoubtedly think that taking directions is the unmanliest things of all, and attempt to strike out on this mission alone. To prevent you from veering in the completely wrong direction, I have included a list of things that you might feel are manly, but are actually very unmanly.I only do this because I care.


Beating your woman is not manly. When angry with your old lady, the manliest thing you can do is step out for a pack of smokes and then never show back up. That is what my dad did.


Getting tattoos is not manly, unless, of course, you are a sailor or legit biker.


Muscles are not manly. Don’t be a pony show, as my old boss used to say.


Do not wear jewelry. I know pirates used to wear earrings, but they did that for a reason. They had no home, no family, and lived on a ship with a bunch of thieves. Their two gold earrings were to pay for their burial when they died in battle. Whoever stumbled upon their battle torn corpse would use one gold earring to pay for the burial, and then keep the other for himself. Unless you plan on dying in battle, do not wear earrings.


I know all of this might seem like a lot of work, but for the sake of those who will follow us, please make your best effort to become a real man. And don’t set aside time for it like you do for the gym—you have to make manly things a way of life. And please, start a local petition in your area to outlaw estrogen pills. Of course, a large part of the estrogen we ingest could be eliminated by eating organic, but altering yourself in such a manner isn’t very manly, so stick with the petition and contact your Congressman. I feel if all of us men band together, we might have a chance of getting estrogen eradicated from our water supply. Unfortunately, that will probably mean a lot more kids running around, but taking care of kids is pretty fucking manly—so long as you actually take care of them.

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