Behave Yourself

I realize that Miss Manners is never going to write a column clarifying the essential qualities of politeness in regard to MMA etiquette. She is too busy writing articles about the difference between a shrimp fork and a relish fork. But somebody needs to set the standards by which all MMA fans should abide. Every fight I attend or pay-perview that I watch, there are always a few yahoos who take it upon themselves to push the envelope of good taste. To those yahoos, I say: Here are nine things you should never do at an MMA event.

 

9) STICK A CAMERA IN A FIGHTER’S FACE

 

Most fighters are happy to pose for a picture with you if you ask. Just don’t run up and stick a camera in their face like they are some stuckup Hollywood type. Fighters are much cooler.

 

8)WEAR IDENTICAL SKIN-TIGHT SHIRTS

 

If you are not a woman, you shouldn’t be wearing a skin-tight shirt. If you are a dude, and you choose to wear one, at least don’t wear the same one as your meat head posse.

 

7) BOO

 

Unless you have the moxy to step in the cage, there is really not much you have to boo about. Sometimes fights are a little boring. Accept it.

 

6) FIGHT

 

You’re not a fighter. Or, at least, you aren’t a good fighter. If you were, you’d be in the cage. So, stop acting so buff in your skin-tight shirt, and quit threatening the video game nerd. He has a right to watch the fights without being picked on. He can’t help his lameness.

 

5) SHOW UP LATE

 

Many times the undercard has the best fights. You are an idiot if you pay for a ticket and then show up midway through the program. Would you show up at the intermission of the opera?

 

4) YELL OUT INSTRUCTIONS

 

First, fighters have trainers. Second, fighters can’t hear you. Third, you don’t know what you are talking about.

 

3) EAT NACHOS

 

The chips are stale, the cheese is nasty, and they cost $12. Stick to the hot dog.

 

2) HIT ON A WOMAN

 

Odds are, this will lead to #6. There will be plenty of time to hit on women after the fights, especially if you are in Vegas. Also, the Xyience girls are paid to be nice to you. So, don’t think that you are special.

 

1) QUOTE THE KARATE KID

 

“Put him in a body bag, Johnny,” has been done to death. It’s not funny. It’s pathetic, and it’s historically inaccurate. The actual quote is, “Get him a body bag! Yeah!” But that’s not the point. Also off limits are: “Sweep the leg,” “Mercy is for the weak,” and “Finish him.” If you have the urge to scream any of these phrases, crane kick yourself in the face.

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