There are but a few major happenings in a man’s life. Falling in love. Getting married. The birth of your fi rst child. Your fi rst divorce. But the problem with those events is that they all normally happen before you turn 18. At least they did for me. Please tell me I’m not the only one. However, there is one major life-changing moment that you can still get amped for.
YOUR FIRST UFC EVENT
I remember my fi rst time. I was young. Inexperienced. There was sweat. Some blood. Some disappointment. And it was over way too fast. Damn … now that I think about it, that sort of sounds like the fi rst time I … never mind. In all honesty, it was a big deal. The lights, the music, the absolute insane atmosphere of the crowd. It is unparalleled by any other sporting event that I have ever been to (Editor’s note: The only other sporting event Mr. Loco has been to was the 1987 Scrabble World Championships). Luckily, with the UFC traveling to all sections of the country, and now the world, every fan reading this has the chance to catch a UFC live. No longer do you have to plan a trip to Vegas. Instead, you can be planning for Texas, or Ohio, or even the UK. But be prepared. The last thing you want is to look like a rookie going in there. They’ll sense it a mile away and eat you alive. Like your fi rst time at a poker table in Vegas. So I’ve compiled a list of some things to be prepared for. Trust me; I’m a veteran. I Wikipedia’d it, and I’ve been to 186 UFCs. Honest.
BEING THAT GUY
We all know the saying: Don’t be “THAT” guy. You can’t go to a concert and wear the T-shirt of the band you’re seeing. That’s a huge NO-NO. You have to wear a T-shirt of a band that is incredibly obscure, or one that is in the same genre. However, much like ’N Sync concerts or NASCAR races, it is not frowned upon at UFC events to wear the T-shirt of the person fi ghting that evening. Heck, it isn’t even bad form to wear the offi cial T-shirt for the event that night. How did this come to be? I have no idea. But look a few rows down, and you’ll see GSP, BJ Penn, and Randy Couture all sitting in front of you. Only thing is, they’ll be on the backs of three fans from Norfolk, Virginia. So don’t think you’re going to look weird wearing your ShomanArt portrait tee of Wanderlei. There’s already someone there with a shaved head and a Sharpie tattoo on the back of it. And he’s probably drunk.
The guy behind you
There’s always a person behind you. Even if your back is against the wall in the very last row, somehow, some way, there will be someone behind you. I was originally going to call this “The Lady behind you” due to numerous bad experiences at events with females behind me, but I don’t need more hate mail. I get enough from my family as it is. It never fails. Every event I go to, there’s someone in my ear, yelling as if the fi ghters can hear them. Forget their corner; Leslie from Nashville has the winning advice. ”BJ!!!!!!! COME ON, BJ!!!! CHOKE HIM! IN THE FACE! BeeeeeeeeeeeJaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!” Don’t get me wrong. Cheering is awesome. I love a loud arena … but doing that for 15 minutes straight? Yelling like that when BJ isn’t even on the card? That’s a little much, don’t you think? Unfortunately, there’s really nothing you can do about it that wouldn’t involve giant men in yellow jackets coming to “have a talk” with you outside … in the parking lot … where there are no security cameras. Again, not like I would know; I just heard some things. I know some people who know some people. How do you combat this? Numb your ears with alcohol. Problem solved.
YOU WON’T EVEN WATCH THE ACTION IN THE CAGE
Like I mentioned earlier, I’ve been to 247 UFCs. Honest. Seventy-fi ve percent of the time, you’re going to be looking at the big screens. I love a good ground battle. But the minute the fi ght goes down, everyone’s heads go up. The UFC has roughly 19 cameramen standing around the cage, which really hinders your view. All you’re going to see is a guy’s back and the sponsor across his rear. Don’t be alarmed when you see everyone angle their head and turn quickly; there isn’t a fi ght in the stands. Vinnie Magalhaes just pulled guard. And now he’s fl exing his abs. WTF?
The baba o’reilly highlight clip
If you’re an Internet nerd, much like me, chances are you’ve heard of this clip. It’s played before the UFC goes live for the PPV audience. It isn’t on YouTube. Trust me, I’ve searched. I’ve already found Titanic 2 on YouTube. No dice on this one. Get there on time, that’s all I’m saying. Thanks to CSI and the UFC, The Who have come back in a big way. I bet Keith Moon is really psyched … oh wait (Google him, kids … damn, I feel old). And even on the off chance that by the time this goes to print it IS on YouTube, it still isn’t the same as seeing it live. I’ve seen it 312 times at various UFCs, and it never disappoints. Honest. It’s the same feeling I get the fi rst time a girl takes her top off (In a movie, not in person. *sobs*).
BRUCE BUFFER’S WHIPLASH TURN
Bruce Buffer is an icon to me, but not just because of his introductions. Take nothing away from it; he’s awesome at what he does. Instead, he’s an icon because at every event I go to, there are hot chicks following him like he has diamonds in his pocket, a fresh Will and Testament in his hand, and a heart problem. However, I can take NOTHING away from his turn. Watch as he introduces the fi ghters. Sometimes it isn’t 100% visible on television. You’d swear that he was wearing those Heely shoes with wheels on them. He spins like he has a power drill in his pants (Take that however you want to take it, sickos … that’s probably why the chicks love him. *rimshot*). We marvel at it, and can’t believe he hasn’t ended up in a hospital bed yet because of it. I now do this same turn every morning in the shower, when grabbing the shampoo. I have broken 14 bones.
So there you have it … my little guide to your fi rst live UFC event. I sort of forgot to mention the $9 beers, the cramped seats, the fact that it will take you 30 minutes to get out of the arena, or the long bathroom lines. But I promise you, you won’t remember any of those things. The only reason why I remember them is because I’ve been to 452 of these things. Honest.