Unrealistic Resolutions

We often set unrealistic goals for ourselves, especially around this time of year. These are some unequivocally unrealistic resolution suggestions I’d like to share with some of our fighting friends.

JOHNNY HENDRICKS

RESOLUTION: IMPROVE CAMPAIGN STRATEGY

It is hard to argue Johny Hendricks’ place as the number one contender to GSP’s long-held welterweight belt. With wins over Mike Pierce, Josh Koscheck (albeit controversial), Jon Fitch, and Martin Kampmann, it doesn’t exactly take a rocket surgeon to figure out he should be at the front of the line. Unfortunately, the big man isn’t listening.

The problem lies in his presentation. Sounding more like Zach Gali- fianakis in The Campaign than a dominant wrestler with brutal KOs over top contenders, “Bigg Rigg” needs to up his hype game. In lieu of going to law school for the next few years of his fighting prime, I would suggest Johny use his most recent KO of the Night bonus to hire an unholy alliance of two of the most unscrupulious campaign managers of all time—Rahm Emanuel and Karl Rove. In an epic final push, they could paint Johny as the blue-collar, working man’s candidate against the big money, corporate-backed incumbent. I bet it would help get the vote out to get Johny a title shot against GSP.

JAKE SHIELDS

RESOLUTION: BE A BOXING CYBORG

Jake Shields is a master of “American Jiu Jitsu” and an absolute beast on the ground. Eye pokes aside, on the feet, he often appears more akin to an improperly alibrated robot in dire need of oil than a well-seasoned fighter who was recently on an absolutely epic 15-fight win streak that saw wins over Yushin Okami, Carlos Con- dit, Mike Pyle, Paul Daley, Jason Miller, Dan Henderson, and Martin Kampmann.

If we are living in the future (a belief I have maintained since y2k), it shouldn’t be too much trouble for Jake to be fitted with a state-of-the-art cybernetic exoskeleton, controlled remotely at ringside by his box- ing trainer. I’m not sure what the commis- sions will think of this, nor am I sure how having machinery attached to your body will affect grappling exchanges. What I am sure of is, he will look more like an actual robot, but a Jake Shields with elite level boxing is indeed a scary thought.

BJ PENN

RESOLUTION: POI ON WHEELS

The popular opinion is that BJ Penn is one of the greatest lightweights. Some believe he was among the best ever at any weight class. With only one win in his last 6 fights, the latter case can no longer be made. The “motivated Penn” was a beast in the cage, and even coming off loses, he always made a good case that this time around things would be different. His recent fight with Rory MacDonald was an absolute bludgeoning. Rory beat him from bell to bell in every single aspect of MMA, and it wasn’t even remotely close.

As of late, he has seemed more motivated to not get in awesome shape, not fight in his proper weight class, and run out of gas in one minute. I’m not saying he should retire, but the emerging and trendy food truck market could be a place he could find a home. BJ’s Famous Sweet Poi and Spam Musubi Tacos on wheels? I can get behind that.

WANDERLEI SILVA

RESOLUTION: EAT TIN CANS

The A xe Murderer was once an abso- lute terror of ferocious, reckless aban- don. Unfor tunately, the years have taken a toll on him, and his abilit y to absorb big punches is simply not what it once was. The damage of his epic PRIDE bat- tles was evident on his face, so much so that a couple of years ago Wand visited a plastic surgeon to remove scar tissue around his eyes and repair a many-times broken nose.

I have no idea if it’s possible to train a better jaw, so my own selfish vote is for sending Wand back to the doctor once more for a permanent solution to his beard issues—something bet ween Jaws from Bond and Trap Jaw from He-Man. An Axe Murderer with a bear trap jaw? That’s Wander ful.

SHOGUN RUA

RESOLUTION: BECOME PURE ENERGY

Much like the questions about a “motivated Penn,” it’s often a toss-up as to which Shogun will show up. The agile, in-shape Shogun who fought Lyoto? The post-PRIDE-nagging-injury-out-of-shape Shogun who fought Forrest? The seemingly sluggish Shogun who beat Vera?

I don’t know if the makers of 5-Hour Energy sell their product in five-gallon cans (I’m guessing they don’t, considering just one of those makes my ears hot and my hands vibrate), but at the rate Shogun uses energy, I think they should. A five-gallon can of 5-Hour Energy would equal about 1,658 hours of energy. I don’t think even Shogun could expend that much energy in 15 minutes—bottoms up!

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