Summer Heat

What are you doing in the month of August? If you’re like me (which you should never admit), you probably don’t even know what you’re doing tomorrow. However, if you’re a normal person, you have plans and appointments. Well, cancel them. Just when you think months can’t get any more stacked, August comes around and slaps you in the face with a sweaty towel. Go wash your face. You now have ringworm.

AFFLICTION 3 August 1

August isn’t even giving you a chance to settle in. You’re basically meeting the parents on the first date. The guys who make all the T-shirts you see worn in Orange County are giving us Fedor Emelianenko, the best Heavyweight in the world, against Josh Barnett, who many consider to be No. 2. Hopefully, the Internet debate will finally end. (It won’t.) This has literally been years in the making. Like Crystal Pepsi. Honestly, they could just show this fight and charge $75 and I’d pay it. If you watch only one fight, this is it! (Editor’s note: Please don’t watch only one fi ght.) We also would have gotten to see Tim Sylvia versus Paul Buentello, but Sylvia decided to fight pro boxer Ray Mercer and keep his hands down and stick his chin out like he was impersonating Jay Leno. Thanks, Tim!

Also: Gegard Mousasi versus Babalu Sobral, Jay Hieron versus Paul Daley, Chris Horodecki versus Dan Lauzon

SENGOKU 9 August 2

Ha, ha! You wanted to rest, didn’t you? Well, guess what? Plan on staying up until 4 am. Not only do you have the Featherweight GP semi-finals, but PRIDE and UFC vet Akihiro Gono has signed on. You also get Mizuto Hirota and Satoru Kitaoka battling for the Lightweight strap. Kazuhiko Nakamura is taking on Kazuo Misaki to see who will be fighting for the Middleweight title next …AND we get to see Blagoi Ivanov in action. Who? Only the guy who beat Fedor in Sambo, that’s who. Read the Internet. … Sheesh!

UFC 101 August 8

OK, OK. You can relax … for 6 days. BJ Penn is stepping back into the Octagon at 155 lbs to defend his title against Kenny “Ken Flo” Florian. Hopefully, Kenny is prepared, since BJ is planning to fight to the death — or until he gets beat up and gets tired, whichever comes first. As if that weren’t enough, Anderson Silva is stepping up to 205 to fi ght UFC poster boy Forrest Griffin. Just a tip to Anderson: Forrest is no James Irvin. But, just a tip to Forrest: Anderson is no Elvis Sinosic. Also, just a tip to me: Stop with the tips.

Also: Kendall Grove versus Ricardo Almeida, Kurt Pellegrino versus Josh Neer, Amir Sadollah versus Johny Hendricks

WEC 42 August 9

Go to sleep, grab some Gatorade for your hangover, and then plop down on your couch for some free MMA featuring Bantamweight champ Miguel Torres, who many consider to be the most exciting fighter in the game right now. He’s facing Brian Bowles, who had to pull out of their previous matchup due to injury (which he got wrestling bears for fun). Don’t blink. No, seriously. Go get a device from A Clockwork Orange (Google it, kids), and keep your eyes open. With these two, anything could happen. Literally. You may see a spinning axe kick turn into a reverse flying triangle. And that’s just during the intros.

Also: Takeya Mizugaki versus Jeff Curran, Dominick Cruz versus Joseph Benavidez, Jameel Massouh versus Leonard Garcia

STRIKEFORCE August 15

Strikeforce is following up a great card with another great card. Weird. More promotions should look into doing this. First, we get to see a rematch between the LW champ Josh Thomson and Gilbert Melendez. The first five rounds just weren’t enough for these guys. Then, we have the fi ght (and weigh-in, for the pervs) that everyone has been waiting for. Gina Carano, the face of women’s MMA (and the girl who rarely returns my texts), meets the physical specimen that is Cris “Cyborg” Santos for the women’s title. She is the most vicious female competitor since the Fabulous Moolah. This is literally Rocky 4 all over again, if Ivan Drago was Brazilian. And a woman. And killed Gina’s best friend in the ring. OK, this is nothing like Rocky 4. Never mind. P.S.: Gina, call me.

UFC 102 August 29

August ends just how it began — with a bang. Randy Couture faces Antonio Nogueira in a Heavyweight matchup to determine … well, I don’t know what it determines exactly. It’s just a cool fight. Who thought we’d ever see these two legends in the Octagon? Toss into the mix Nate Marquardt taking on Demian Maia (Are you serious!?!), Brandon Vera against Matt Hamill, and Keith Jardine versus Thiago Silva, and you have a UFC card that I will definitely watch at someone else’s house for free because August is making me broke.

So there you have it. Cancel your dates, put your anniversary on hold, tell your boss you can’t work on the Roberts file over the weekend, and inform your children that you aren’t recognizing their birthdays this year. You got MMA to watch! P.P.S.: Gina, seriously… call me.

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