Hollywood’s Full-Time Fighter
So you want to be a full-time fighter? Well, don’t go quitting your day job just yet. For every successful fighter who gave up everything to train, there are 100 average joes who have not been so successful. Now, the joes are broke, possibly missing teeth, and relegated to spinning those “Cash for Gold” signs on the sidewalk.
But many fighters are hard headed and do as they please, so a cautious warning will do little to deter them from the chance to live the dream of fighting for a living. However, if you want to quit your real job (assuming you have a real job) and don’t have a sugar momma (Tito’s in good shape), keep in mind these avenues for revenue straight from the big screens of Hollywood. Hey, if it worked in the movies, it’s got to work in real life.
You’ve seen The Karate Kid at some point in your life (if you haven’t, stop reading this article and crane kick yourself). If some tool can run the Cobra Kai dojo, then so can you.
You’ll need a home for you dojo so check around town and find a deal on empty warehouse space. Invest in a few punching bags, a mat, and a cool poster of Pat Morita and you’re in business. You’ll also need insurance in case you accidentally soccer-kick Johnny into a body bag.
Now all you have to do is find a local weakling like Daniel-san and teach him your fighting discipline. Just to be on the safe side, stay away from street gangs on dirt bikes. They are nothing but trouble.
Actually, bouncing is for meat-headed rednecks. The job you really want is the “cooler.” Take a note from Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse and chill (hence cooler) in a bar as you survey your surroundings, ready at any point to kick ass when shit hits the fan.
To be the best cooler you’ll need a master’s degree in philosophy, the ability to stitch yourself up, and a beautiful mullet. Start with the mullet—that shouldn’t be hard to grow. If your commitment to fashionable hair is a success, it’s time to learn how to rip someone’s throat out.
Being the cooler will give you great psychological training that can prepare you for the mental anguish of fighting in the Octagon. But more importantly, you will get to punch and choke people for money. Just remember Swayze’s three rules: never underestimate your opponent; take it outside; and be nice.
Before it worked for Kimbo Slice, it worked for Jean Claude Van Damme in Lionheart. The French Foreign Legionnaire went AWOL in North Africa and hopped a boat to New York, making his way to LA while beating up people for a little extra spending money. He could have just taken a Greyhound from New York to LA, but that wouldn’t have made for a very exciting film.
To be a great street fighter, you’ll need a cool nickname, a homeless manager, and the ability to do the splits. It’s also a good idea to establish some ground rules with your opponent. Topics such as the use of foreign objects and liability waivers need to be discussed upfront. You don’t want to be disqualified for using the tire iron you found.
Finally, keep in mind the famed words of Joshua (Van Damme’s homeless manager), “That dude’s gonna kill yo ass.” Yes, it’s true. Your ass could get killed street fighting, so just be careful.
YOU’RE THE BEST AROUND
There you have it—three perfectly legitimate ways to make some moolah while you train for the big time. No one said it was going to be easy. It takes hard work, dedication, and a formidable knowledge of B-movies to be a successful mixed martial artist. If you work at it, you could be the next champion. Just be nice.