Glazer Weighs In

The MMA world is now on the verge of a full-scale reality check…as in reality TV. The wildly popular Spike show The Ultimate Fighter proves that MMA reality TV works. Now, Fedor Emelianenko has a program coming out called Fighting Fedor. Tito Ortiz has something that looks to be great, where knuckleheads with a beef get to settle it the old fashioned way. Not to mention Ricco Rodriguez, who was extremely compelling on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab.

The world likes to see fi ghters engage in the real world. So, being the TV mastermind that I am, I searched the darkest recesses of my demented mind to come up with a couple of real winners. Watch out Mark Burnett; my ideas could make me the new king of reality TV.

Retribution: I actually talked about this one with my one of my bosses at Fox, who then said he was going to see if my health insurance covered CAT scans. I still think it’s a winner. Here’s the deal – we offer hardened felons close to parole a month off their sentence and fi ve grand (or a crate of cigarettes). All they have to do is step into the cage with a handful of MMA fi ghters (we’d probably sign some of the more sadistic fellas we know to head up our team). There are two catches: their victims and families are present and there is no tapping!

How great will this be? Can’t you picture the sweet brutality and revenge factor of our program? We’ll get guys like my PRIDE Fighting Championships co-hosts Frank Trigg and Bas Rutten to head up our vigilante warriors.

Just one ten-minute round, and each criminal’s debt to society will be paid in full. Of course, during those ten minutes, our Retribution fi ghters get to go to town on these criminals. Hey, you robbed an 80-year-old woman? Watch as our gladiators kick the living crap out of the degenerate, with little old granny and her kids sitting ringside. Twenty low-leg kicks from Bas, a completely torn elbow from an arm bar, and perhaps a handful of broken ribs should do the trick.

Assaulted an innocent woman? Ken Shamrock, come on down! Watch as Mr. Shamrock slaps on leg lock after leg lock, knee bar after knee bar, until ligaments, tendons, and perhaps even bones snap in his ten minutes of retribution. Sure, it sounds a bit gory, but the American public would go gah-gah over the revenge factor. It’s like Schwarzenegger’s The Running Man, except with real people who deserve it! Bruce Buffer will do the announcing, and we’ll get a sweet young ringside reporter to get reactions from victims and family. I can see an entire T-shirt line coming out of this as well.

The Biggest Cutter: It’s a cross between The Ultimate Fighter, Celebrity Fit Club, and The Biggest Loser. We take two teams of fi ve fi ghters and see who can cut the most weight in a three-day span. The fi nals will have a one-day cut off, for the crowning glory of The Biggest Cutter. Follow our contestants as they give us the tricks to their cuts. Everything from diuretics like Taraxatone, to caffeine pills and espresso before sauna sessions, to increasing the heart rate during workouts with plastics. The only thing banned is that stupid colonic we once saw on The Ultimate Fighter, only because we really have no desire to watch that again. The winner gets a lifetime supply of McDonald’s and Jenny Craig.

Calling All Posers: I recently came up with this idea after dealing with a poser who crashed practice at our gym in Arizona. I’m drilling with Matt Riddle, from this season of The Ultimate Fighter, going over a freestyle throw off a whizzer, when some knucklehead comes in and starts telling us how we’re doing the move wrong and wants to teach us all how to do it. When we told him to buzz off, he proclaimed to the team, “These are your killers? My boys and I go much harder than this!”

Mind you, working in our room was UFC middleweight contender Thales Leites, CB Dalloway and Riddle from TUF, Jamie Varner, the WEC Lightweight champ, Jesse Forbes from TUF 3, the Steinbass brothers, former ASU wrestling coach and now MMAer Aaron Simpson, and me. Telling me I’m a wuss is one thing, but telling Thales, CB and the rest of the boys they’re wimps is another story. I suggested Dalloway and Simpson spar with Mr. Full of Himself. CB, an all-American wrestler, beat the living crap out of the big mouth. A few minutes later, it was Simpson’s turn and the coach smashed this supposed badass face-fi rst into the mat, put both hands on the back of his head and just sat there for ninety seconds. Finally, Mr. Poser had enough and ran to the bucket where he commenced puking. Said pukage lasted a good twenty minutes before he told us, “I just have to get my cardio up. Give me two weeks.” What cardio had to do with CB slamming him in the fi rst seven seconds is beyond me, but a great idea was spawned.

It’s not hard to fi nd guys who think they’re tougher than pro MMA fi ghters. We’ll interview these lost lads, let the world hear them preach of their toughness, then put them through just one Vale Tudo practice. We’ll travel from city to city and bring these self-proclaimed tough guys into the best schools in the country. I feel a lot of laughing and pointing on the horizon.

So there you have it – three quality new shows guaranteed to boost network ratings. Now I just have to fi gure out how to get the productions insured.

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