Faking It

We’ve all seen it while fl ipping past the National Geographic channel at 11pm on a lonely Saturday night. (OK, maybe that’s just me.) It could be footage of two silverback gorillas squaring off, beating their chests, howling like there’s no tomorrow. Or maybe it’s two rams charging towards one another at top speed, looking to bash each other’s heads in. The announcer, in his accented, hushed voice will tell you it’s to show dominance or protect their territory. But we all know the truth. It’s for the chicks, man.

Women love bad boys (the fact that it will piss off their parents only makes you hotter). Before the insane growth of MMA, it was hard to describe to a girl how much of a badass you were. “I do Tae Kwon Do,” just isn’t going to pull at a bar. Trust me. My usual, “I took Karate at the YMCA when I was six,” still has yet to work. Saying you were in a bar fi ght last week doesn’t really mean anything to a girl, without a police report to back it up. However, now that MMA can be seen every day, your chances of scoring have increased tenfold. Chicks dig fi ghters. So here’s some tips to help you look like one… without ever having to step foot in a cage.

Wanna get the girls? You’ve gotta learn the rules:

1. YOU DON’T TRAIN MMA, YOU TRAIN UFC.

Most girls (I said MOST not ALL; I don’t need e-mails from women telling me how much of a chauvinist I am… unless you’re hot. And if so, include pics) are casual fans, watching MMA at a pay-per-view party, or catching a fi ght when a bar has it playing. So of course, what promotion do they know? UFC. Therefore, saying you train MMA isn’t going to have the same panty-pulling ability that saying you train UFC will.

“So you do that UFC stuff?” “Yes… YES I DO.” Also, I don’t think this will work if you substitute UFC for any other fi ght organization. Saying you train STRIKEFORCE will probably have people thinking you’re a Chuck Norris/Bruce Lee hybrid… which, now that I think about it, may not be that bad. Maybe use that as your backup plan.

2. NOTHING SAYS “I’M A FIGHTER” LIKE CAULIFLOWER EAR

“OMG, what happened to your ear?” If you hear those words, that’s it. She’s hooked. Now all you gotta do is reel her in. Like a shark fi sherman on that VS channel that also shows competitive barbecuing. Just explain to her that you get it from having your ear mangled every night at practice. Sure it sucks, but hey, that’s part of the game. Then wink at her. But how do you get caulifl ower ear without ACTUALLY training?

Every night before you go to bed, make a fi st. I know, I know, you’re not a real fi ghter, so you may be confused. A fi st is that thing you make when you close your hand. Got it? Good. Place the fi st against your ear. Now proceed to rub it hard against your ear anywhere from two minutes to six hours (depending on how fast you want your caulifl ower ear to form).

In no time, you’ll have a nice tender ear, sensitive to the slightest touch…and looking like a potsticker from TGI Fridays. Just imagine the MySpace picture possibilities!

3. BE SURE TO BRUSH UP ON YOUR LAY-Z-BOY-JITSU

When watching an event with a sweet young lady, make sure to point out all the things you would have done, had you been the one fi ghting. When someone gives up his back, groan loud and curse at the screen. Explain to her how you never would have gotten caught in that triangle, because you would have bridged and then taken the guy’s back and swept him for an armbar, or transitioned from there into a guillotine, which would leave him open for a heel hook with a gogoplata on the side. Does that even make sense? Of course not… but it doesn’t have to!

She’ll be so impressed with your use of MMA terms that she’ll practically be putty in your hands. It also helps if you only drink water during the evening as well. When she asks why you’re not boozing it up, inform her that you try not to drink when you’re in training. She’ll fi nd your dedication to be very attractive.

Knowledgeable and disciplined? I hope you wore your good underwear, buddy!

4. MYSPACE

Every fi ghter has a MySpace, it’s a rule. Not only is it a great way to market yourself, it’s a fantastic way to nab some groupies. Make your background black. Edit your “Top Friends” and add some fi ghters. The key, however, is to not have forty UFC guys so that you look like über-groupie 5000. Instead, just toss in a few famous guys, along with some unknown talent, some MMA schools, and a couple MMA companies that you can claim as sponsors, like Cryogel or Rick’s Tire Barn of Kenosha, Wisconsin. Heck, toss me into your top friends. That way, she’ll see that you also look out for the losers of the community.

5. DRESS THE PART

Nowadays, regular black shirts and tattoos aren’t going to cut it. You’ll be confused with a bro. No one wants to be mistaken for a bro. Not even bros want to be mistaken for a bro. Instead, you need to pick up an MMA brand shirt. Sure, you could wear a Triumph United shirt (and automatically be the best-looking guy in the bar) but unfortunately, TU doesn’t scream, “I’m gonna break 94% of your facial bones with my fi st.”

Instead, fi nd a company that conveys your true feelings. Like Punch in the Throat fi ght gear, or Bloody Appendages MMA apparel. Skulls are a must, maybe some blood splatter. Preferably, get a black T-shirt with black lettering, so that it becomes extra black. The blacker, the better. Then, and only then, will you be taken seriously. You defi nitely earn bonus points if you greet your friends from behind and administer that fake, friendly rear naked choke. Only a real fi ghter would know how to do that.

6. NAME DROPPING

It’s a subtle art that normally gets abused. However, if used correctly, will probably let you see some boobies that night. You may hear a girl say, “Chuck Liddell is my favorite, he’s such a badass!” That’s your cue to chime in. “Nah, he’s a really nice guy. Always cool with me.” “YOU KNOW HIM!?”

Now, do you actually know him? Of course not. Maybe you got a picture with him at a book signing, or at a weigh in. But, he was nice to you when you asked for the picture, right? Remember, you’re not lying. You’re just not telling the whole truth. To take this one step further, put a “Chuck Liddell” into your cell phone address book. The number doesn’t matter; it could call your local Papa John’s (and if it does, make sure to get that garlic butter sauce – epic). All you need is to be able to fl ip open the phone and say, “Would I have his number if we weren’t boys?”

Now, this may come off as me insinuating that women are stupid and will fall for anything. But don’t get me wrong, in no way am I saying that. I believe everyone is stupid, male or female. Us guys are stupid for even trying to pull off stunts like these to impress girls. Just trust me when I say that these will work. I could go on and on about what else you can do to pretend to be a fi ghter, but I have to run face fi rst into a doorknob to get a black eye. The WEC is this week, and I gotta look my best. Watch out ladies!

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