Instead of making our own magazine resolutions—which would have been insanely boring—we decided to offer resolution suggestions for 10 of our favorite fi ghters and MMA personalities. Some are funny, some are serious, and some are just plain stupid. If you can’t figure out which are which, we’ve got a resolution for you: Try to beat them. We dare you. Send your list to firstname.lastname@example.org. If your list is better than ours, we’ll post it on our Web site. If that’s not enough, we’ll send you a free FIGHT! T-shirt.
10) CLAY GUIDA
Get a Haircut
We love watching Guida fight, but the constant hair flip he does in the cage has to stop. May we suggest that Guida take a page from Miguel Torres’ book on hair care and cut his mop into a svelte looking mullet.
9) HERSCHEL WALKER
Heisman Pose After Each Victory
We’re not sure Walker will get a victory, but if he does, the Heisman pose could be the funniest post-fight celebration since Mark Coleman’s belly flop into the ropes after beating Igor Vovchanchyn at the PRIDE 2000 Grand Prix.
8) ANDERSON SILVA
Score a KO While Doing the Moonwalk
Silva has never been shy about breaking out his Brazilian Samba dance after a victory, but we’d like to see him pay homage to the King of Pop and bust out a moonwalk while simultaneously KOing his next opponent. Sure, it’s a little cocky, but what else can Silva do to keep us constantly impressed?
7) ROY NELSON
The TUF winner has always been proud to show off his less than conventional physique, happily rubbing his belly after every victory. However, in the interest of his own health, we’d like Nelson to drop of few pounds. We’re not suggesting dropping to 205, but consuming a few less Whoppers might be a good start.
6) GREG JACKSON’S CAMP
Keep Nipple Twisting Behind Closed Doors
It just a little weird. Actually, it’s more than a little weird. It’s creepy. When Keith Jardine does it, children have nightmares.
5) KIMBO SLICE
Start a Bakery
Slice is all about getting his bread. What’s a better way that opening your own bakery? Can you imagine telling your friends you just stopped by The Slice Is Right to pick up a bagel and rye loaf? Slice would have to wear a beard net. No one wants to bite into a macaroon and find one of those hairs.
4) TITO ORTIZ
Update Fighting Style From 1997
To borrow a line from Seinfeld creator Larry David, the 1990s called and they want their fighting style back. If Ortiz hopes to beat Chuck Liddell in episode three, he’s going to need more than his standard ground-n-pound. The Huntington Beach Bad Boy is more than capable of adding a few more weapons to his repertoire.
3) LYOTO MACHIDA
Market a Urine Soft Drink
It’s no secret that Machida likes to consume his own urine each morning. Why not capitalize on this uniquely disgusting habit by creating Dr. PeePee, a refreshing urine-based soda. At the very least, it would be better than Tab.
2) DANA WHITE
This is probably impossible. Plus, we know, we know, White doesn’t make f*!#ing resolutions.
1) DON FRYE
Who are we kidding? That’s the worst idea in the history of MMA.